Milestone

This blog is a difficult one for me. It's a sensitive subject and sharing this makes me completely vulnerable. I would rather not share it, but I feel like I should in case it encourages someone reading this. I still struggle with shame over this area and have not completed my journey in fighting this. However, I reached a significant milestone today that has prompted me to do this post. Today I have lost 100 pounds since leaving home October 27th, 2009. I haven't talked about my weight loss a lot because I don't want to be boastful and I don't like to admit how much I had (and still have) to lose. I can say with total honesty that God did all the work. The weight came off so easily that I can only attribute it to God's healing hand on my life. The healing I have received is a big part of my experience here which is why I feel it's appropriate to put it on my blog. I am here to minister to others, but God has been working in me too. Let me start with a devotion I shared in June when I had lost about 80 pounds. Each morning someone shares a devotion with the staff. Everyone attends: missionaries, ex-pat staff and Sudanese staff. This devotion sums up most of what I have experienced in terms of this struggle since arriving in Tonj:

June 10, 2010:

Today I want to share with you part of my testimony. I want to tell you about an issue I struggle with and how God is giving me victory in that area. It's very personal and I didn't want to share it initially and wasn't planning on sharing it ever. However, I read a verse yesterday that seemed to describe what I have been going through and I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to share it. Because it's embarrassing and I am ashamed of that struggle, I still thought about doing another devotion. I tried to prepare for another topic but it wasn't coming together so I gave in and thought more about this verse and prayed about what God wanted me to share.

Let's start with the verse:

Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.

I have read this verse many times before, but yesterday it had new meaning for me. For many years I have struggled with one particular issue and that is my weight. In America we have access to lots of different types of food. Some is good for you and some is bad for you, even though it tastes really, really good. Often times, the food that is bad for you costs less than the food that is good for you. So, it makes it really easy to eat the bad food. The bad food makes you gain weight and therefore many Americans are overweight. I have to say it's awkward talking about this struggle in a place where most people don't have enough food and no one is overweight.

Not everyone who is overweight is dealing with a sinful habit. However in my case, it became a sin issue. Just like some people here are addicted to alcohol, I became addicted to food. I thought about it all the time and it began to affect my walk with God. As I gained weight, the enemy used that to discourage me. I began to believe his lies that I was worthless, that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. As a result, I was not confident and was very unhappy with myself. I was ashamed of myself. I would avoid doing many things because I thought people wouldn't like me because of my weight. I lived a very fearful life that stopped me from doing things to serve God. My sin was getting in the way of me doing all I could for the Lord. And I believed the biggest lie of all: this was something I could never conquer.

When I came here, I was determined not to let my weight stop me from serving God to the fullest. I didn't want it to hold me back anymore. There were some difficult moments where the enemy would try to discourage me and make me feel like I couldn't be used here. Whenever those thoughts crept in, I turned to God. I prayed for the strength not to worry about things people said. Who I am does not depend on other people's opinions of me, but only what God thinks of me. My identity doesn't rely on what I look like, but who I am on the inside, through Christ. Because I reclaimed my identity in Christ, I began not to worry so much about my weight. Slowly, God began to heal my heart which had been scarred from many years of hating myself. He helped me rebuke the enemy's lies and I found myself being ok with who I am, because I was not judging myself on the world's standards anymore, but on God's.

As God began to heal me on the inside, he also began to heal me on the outside. I started to lose weight even though I wasn't trying to. Because I was away from the bad food at home, I was more active and drank more water, the extra weight began to fall off.

A couple months ago, Suzy and I started exercising. Yesterday, we ran for a long time (for us) without stopping. That was a big accomplishment for me because I could have never done that before. When we first started, I could barely run one minute. Yesterday, we ran for fifteen minutes without stopping.

So, when I came across this verse, it perfectly symbolized what was going on with my struggle with weight. Let's read it again:

Hebrews 12:1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.

I literally am taking off the weight that has slowed me down and became a sin. And we should never forget, people are watching us. We are representatives of Christ and we need to be a good example. Some sins we can hide and people may never know we struggle with them. My sin was out there for all to see. Again, I want to be clear, not everyone with extra weight has a sinful struggle with it, but I do. My self hatred and lack of confidence was not a Christ honoring example for people to see. I still am not all the way there; I have more weight to lose and food will continue to be an area I have to be careful in. But, I need to acknowledge the victory I have received through Christ. I hate looking at pictures of me when I first came here because I am ashamed. However, I don't need to be because God has claimed victory over that area in my life. He still is working in me and I don't need to be ashamed about it.

So, I would encourage you to examine your own lives. See if there is any sin that is holding you back and trapping you. Then pray and ask God to release that sin and claim victory. Never believe Satan's lie that it is too hard to overcome. Nothing is impossible with God. If I can run 15 minutes without stopping which is a true miracle for me, you can over come the sin that is holding you back. And then don't be ashamed to tell people about it. Be proud of God's work in your life.

Since sharing that devotion, I have lost an additional 20 pounds and was able to jog (slowly!) for 40 minutes without stopping. God continues to heal me physically and emotionally as He guides me through my weight loss journey. As I said earlier, I am not done. I still have about thirty pounds to go before getting to the recommended weight for my height. However, I am still letting God hold the reigns on this issue. Food consumed my thoughts at home and I don't want it to become a focus while I am here. So I am going to continue eating as I have been, exercising when possible and let God do the rest. Sudan has enough challenges and if I want a piece of cake, I am going to have a piece of cake. No matter what weight I end up with, I am learning to be confident as I am which is simply someone who loves the Lord and seeks to find my identity in Him alone, following Him wherever He takes me. Even though this makes me cringe, I will close by posting a picture of me when I left and one of me taken within the last few weeks. It's still hard for me not to be ashamed of where I was. Perhaps one day I will be brave enough to share my starting and current weight. That day is not today! It's a journey I am still on.



(In case anyone is curious - this is from my 30th birthday cruise. I was randomly picked to participate in a trivia game. I smoked the competition.)



(With Pritty, our pharmacist and Elaine, she was here with her husband Paul for three weeks)