Balancing Ministry and Motherhood

This trip was incredibly challenging for me.  There were highs and lows, but God got me through.  Since having Eli, I have found it difficult to balance motherhood and my desire to be hands on in ministry work.  I want to do so much for the Lord, but the reality is Eli has to be my priority, after God and my husband.

George and I really struggled with whether or not I should go.  We like to do ministry together and this trip was right up our alley.  However, there were a lot of things to consider.  If I went, we would have to find someone to stay at our house with Nala.  Also, there would be the added expense of my transportation and other needs.  Would I even be able to help or do anything while taking care of Eli?  Would George be able to focus on his work or would he be distracted with us there?  Would Eli be a burden on the team?  Would Eli be able to sleep away from home?  He would be subjected to long bus rides and would be way off his schedule.

Finally we decided I would go.  God provided Lulu, our dear friend, to stay at our house.  She lives five hours away and sacrificed her time to do this for us.   We loved seeing her again.  Nala went nuts when she arrived.  Lulu stayed with Nala for two and a half months when we were in Kenya for Eli’s delivery.  Nala loves her.  Eli does too, so it was a blessing for our whole that she came.  (Lulu is very thoughtful.  She did our laundry while we were gone and even washed the clothes I brought home from the trip.  She woke up early to do them before she left.  I didn’t find that out  until after she left and found the clothes on the line.)

Our first major challenge with Eli was the long bus ride and the ones that would follow over the next week.  Overall, he did very well.  There was only one major meltdown in a vehicle over all the 11 days we were gone.  And that was because he didn’t take a nap that afternoon.  Speaking of naps, sleeping was another major challenge.  Eli has become a great sleeper.  We have a nap and bedtime routine and he goes to bed with no problems.  I wondered how he would do without his own room and crib.  We would be in 5 different places over 11 days.  Poor guy was bound to be confused.

The first night, I shared a room with three other women.  Eli freaked out.  He was so confused and woke up several times that night.  Screaming.  I was so stressed, trying to keep him quiet so they could sleep.  It was one of the worst nights of my life!  On day two, I had a meltdown.  When we got to the Bible School where we were staying, it looked like I would have to sleep in a dorm type room with Eli, very close to the other ladies.  George would be in the guy’s section.  I tried really hard to keep the tears in, but they refused to stay hidden. 

I felt overwhelmingly that I shouldn’t have come.  After the previous night’s Eli sleeping disaster, I felt really terrible.  These people were working so hard and didn’t sign up for sleepless nights due to a crying baby.  I talked with one of the leaders and said, “please tell me if we are a burden.  Eli and I can go home.”  She reassured me that everything would be ok and that I should stay.  Gary echoed her thoughts.  Fortunately, an exception was made and I was able to be with George.  However, that night was another rough one.  We set up the little tent my mom gave us for Eli’s bed.  He screamed for a long time when I put him to bed.  While the rest of the team was working hard doing preparations, I felt useless as I was taking care of Eli.

(I tried to help while keeping him occupied random things around the room.  It worked for a little while.)

“God, please find a use for me,” I prayed.

Fortunately, the next night was better in terms of sleep for Eli as were the rest of the nights.  He began to adapt to his tent and soon reached for it like he does for his crib.  He was quite a trooper.  He usually sleeps until 7:00am, but often the call times were 6:00am or 6:30am so he was up earlier than usual.  He also went to bed much later than he was used to.  He usually sleeps at 7:00pm, but that was dinner time so he didn’t end up in bed until 8:30 or 9:00pm.   On most days he got his two naps in, either in our arms in the vehicle, in his tent (when we stayed at the hotel) or in his stroller at the camps.  One big bummer was Eli got sick.  Somehow he got an eye infection and a cold along the way. 

On Monday, we had our first camp.  The church was very small and barely fit all the stations. That meant Eli and I needed to stay inside or we would get in the way.  We played outside for a while, but then I wondered “what I should be doing?”  I wandered around feeling useless again and totally out of place.  Again, I prayed for God to use me.

An opportunity presented itself soon.  Another team member was looking for something to do and we decided to talk with and pray for patients.  We grabbed a translator and began mingling with the people waiting.  We asked if anyone wanted prayer and many were eager to do so.  They shared with us their struggles and we lifted them up to our Heavenly Father.  This is a job I was able to do with Eli.  He was either on my hip, playing at my feet or in the stroller.  When he got fussy, I excused myself until I could come back.   It was an honor to be able to pray for these people.  Eventually, as patients came out and sat pastors doing with evangelism cube, they would wait for one of us to pray with them.

It ended up being an amazing day.

Tuesday and Wednesday brought lots of rain.  With no place to play inside and nowhere dry to go outside at the camp, I had to stay at the hotel.  Eli could not be held for 9 hours.  He likes to get down and play.  While my heart ached to be at the camp, I knew I needed to be with Eli.  Those days ended up being very good for us.  It gave Eli a bit of a routine and he was able to be free and not confined.

  (He had fun watching the cows, running under the clothes lines and playing in the leaves.)

In the evenings, I was able to help the team pack meds after Eli went to bed.  I even found a way to help during the day from the hotel.  On Wednesday, I was able to do the pharmacy tallies while Eli was sleeping or playing by himself.  I worked really hard to get them done and felt glad I was contributing in some, small way.

Unfortunately, I found out that evening that I had done them all wrong.  I didn’t correctly understand how the doctors charted certain things which lead to inflated numbers.  Precise tallies are very important for ordering the right amounts of meds.  The realization that I needed to redo them all was devastating.  I went to bed with a heavy heart that night.

On Thursday, camp was in a new location.  The church was bigger and I had hoped to go with Eli.  However, I asked if I would be more helpful if I stayed to do the tallies while Eli slept and the answer was yes.  So we stayed.  I was determined to get them all re-done.  I prayed God would provide lots of time during the day to get them finished.  By evening, I had redone all of Monday and Tuesday and was able to finish Wednesday before I went to bed.  Thank you Lord!

Friday was the last day of camp and Eli and I were able to go.  It was a busy day, but a productive one.  I, again, was able to pray for the patients.  The pastors did a great job of praying with the patients and only called me when they needed me.  When Eli slept, I had some free time and helped in the pharmacy.  I helped refill some meds and also explained to patients how to take their medications.  That was one of my favorite jobs.  It was fun using my limited Kiswahili and get to interact with the patients.

At the end of the trip, I was happy I went.  Everyone on the team was so kind and accommodating.  They reassured me that they were happy Eli and I were there.  They all loved on Eli and were a huge blessing. I have to say that even though George was tired after long days at camp, he was very helpful with Eli. He's a great dad!   I learned that Eli is flexible, but there may be times when I will have to stay home with him.  God has given me a ministry as a wife and mom.  It’s ok if that is a priority.  There will be a time when I can do more.  Until then, I will look for ways to be used that work with Eli.