Hi everyone!
I have decided to try to be transparent in my blog. Part of me wants to be happy all the time, but I know I need to be real with you guys. After all, that is what you are here for right? To support me in good times and bad?
So... this afternoon I had a hard time. We were discussing my role in the compound and I got overwhelmed and couldn't stop crying. Suzy and I had already discussed what I would be doing somewhat and I was ok with that. I'll be doing some book keeping, managing the compound staff, possibly helping with med orders, assisting Sabet with whatever he needs and work on organization projects.
However, this afternoon, it was determined that I would be also doing a lot of the cooking. Huggins, the Kenyan cook and runner of the compound, will be going home in December and when she returns, she'll be training in the clinic. That means, I will have to oversee a lot of the meals. I hate cooking and I am lousy at it. Thinking about doing it stress me out and makes me really anxious. Thinking about doing it over the next year makes me dread the next year. It makes me long to be home now. Also, being locked into compound duty means I won't be able to help in the clinic. Doing work all day in the compound is exhausting and the thought of doing that for the year, wears me out.
So, that's how I felt, but I was also upset because I didn't want to be feeling that way. I am here to do whatever is needed by Suzy and Sabet. I don't want to have a bad attitude about any job I am given. Whether or not I am comfortable with it, I should have a joyful heart. I don't want to dread the next year. I want to serve here gladly.
I talked with Suzy about it and she prayed for me. I was reluctant to tell her how I was feeling because it's my issue and I knew I would get over it with time. However, she encouraged me to be open. The enemy wants me isolated and she doesn't want that to happen. So, as she prayed, I cried even harder. I was just begging the Lord to give me a joyful heart so I can be a supportive part of this ministry.
I know this may seem like a silly issue, but for me it means anxiety and a decreased time in the clinic, which breaks my heart. So, please pray for me that I would be flexible and learn to love all the jobs I am doing. God has a purpose for me and I need to learn on him for strength when I am faced with any challenge.
Thanks for understanding and praying for me. I couldn't do this without you guys.
Love,
Stacie
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I'm praying for you, Stace. I know how much you enjoy helping people, and I hope that will translate into helping around the compound. I know God's plans for you are good, and even in this change of your plans, His are still good. When I was in China last time, the Chinese leader said to us that sometimes God has to break our plans to show us just how great His plans are. I hope He'll show you that in a very real, tangible and loving way. He's got His very best in mind for you!!
ReplyDeleteLove and peace to you.
Hey Stacie,
ReplyDeleteFirst, thank you for being so honest and transparent. We want to know how to support and love you through your time there, and we are only able to fully do that if you're real with us about life there.
This is SO not a silly issue. I would be feeling exactly what you are feeling. This is a BIG BIG job, and I don't think you get that unless you've been at the compound and experienced life there.
I understand the tension you are feeling: you truly want to go there and bless Sabet and Suzy by doing whatever they need help with; yet you also feel like God's given you a vision or a passion to be able to help in certain ways while you're there. You're also thinking (at least I'd be thinking) "Is this really what I've given up my job, car, savings, etc for? This is NOT how I envisioned serving you in Sudan, Lord!" (I mean, let's be honest here!). How do you marry those tensions? I'm not sure how to.
Stacie, the bottom line is that God has already had this entire year of your life planned out for you. In fact, He knows what you're going to be doing 20 years from now at this moment. He is constantly preparing us for whatever lies ahead in the next section of our lives. So no matter what happens in this situation, take comfort in that He will help you to find purpose and joy in it. That's the ultimate truth.
However, in the meantime, in the wrestling with the reality of this, I'd strongly encourage you to be just spending every available moment with Christ--asking him to either completely humble you and prepare you for what's been laid out; or for a clear vision about some sort of middle ground that can be reached with Suzy. It's evident that your heart's strongest desire is to please God, and that's the important thing. There may be some sort of middle ground to be reached here--pray for the Lord to show you this, if this is His will. Either decision will require gut-wrenching, soul-searching time with God. Tim and I just prayed for you, and we will continue to pray for God's plans to be made evident. We pray that you'd have a peace about whatever direction needs to be taken.
You have not been left alone in Sudan. God sees you, His beautiful daughter, and cares deeply about all the events of this year. Hold on to Him, and we'll be praying with you for answers.
In grace, love and peace,
Alicia (and Tim)
Oh Stace!
ReplyDeleteI feel for you... God changed your heart a long time ago, but He didn't change your personality. He created you just the way you are and loves you so much! He knows your desires, but for some reason is allowing this challenge right now. I don't claim to understand God, but I do know His plans and ways are so much better than ours. I can't wait to see what God teaches you through this!
We'll pray that you will get some time in the clinic, and that He will reveal what He has planned for you. We love you!
Julie and Chris!
Thanks you guys for your encouragement and thank you for understanding. It helps to hear from people that have either experienced life here or who know me really well. I really appreciate you all.
ReplyDeleteStacie,
ReplyDeleteAs I read your post, this scripture came to my mind:
5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
6 Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
8 he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
We love you so much and are praying for you.
Pastor Matt
Stacie,
ReplyDeleteOK, enough of the serious stuff. I say use tons of salt and burn everything! Problem solved!
I'M KIDDING!! Karen & I are praying for you and know you will find joy in everything you do. You were able to find joy in insurance so you have lots of experience in dealing with adversity. We love you!
Steve Webber
Oh Cousin, I'm sending hugs to you through cyberspace and time. I'm sure you have worked through this by now, but I'm right there with you back on this November day. Love you!
ReplyDelete