How I Am Feeling

People have asked me how I am feeling lately and there are so many emotions that it's hard to describe. I am happy, sad, scared, excited, overwhelmed, at peace, unworthy, unprepared, insecure, loved, nervous, thankful.... so much more.

I have so much to do this week and so many people I want to see and I just don't have enough time. I am stressed about what to pack. It's hard to plan without knowing the final destination.

As I have started saying goodbye to people, my emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I am ok and manage to hold it together, other times I am sobbing. Saying goodbye is different this time because I am not visiting Africa, but moving there. Although, I will be back to visit, Lord willing, it breaks my heart to be away from the people I love.

As someone who has battled fear my whole life, I still find myself falling into those feelings easily. The difference is that now I am better at not dwelling on fear and instead finding peace and comfort in who God is. I don't know exactly what God's plan is for me and since I can't plan everything, I am forced to take things day by day. There are so many scary things I could choose to focus on (like finances, safely, health, new relationships, etc), but I try to focus on God's calling.

Thinking about the work God has called me to do pulls me out of my funk. I am really excited to be going back to Kenya, reuniting with George and returning to work with people. I have really missed that. I know there will be adjustments I need to make to blend into their culture that will stretch me incredibly, but it will make me rely on God more. I feel so unequipped for what God is calling me to do and know that I will learn so much these next few months. I have been asking God to help me work on areas where I struggle so I can be a better tool for His use. Working on shortcomings hurts and is difficult, but the results will help me serve His people better. A song that has been coming to mind lately comes from the verse Philipians 1:6

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

I don't have to be perfect and I will never be worthy. For some reason God chooses to use us anyway as long as we are willing. I am so thankful that God's grace is sufficient.

I hope you don't mind me sharing my feelings. I don't think I am explaining myself very well, but I try to be open about what is going on... the good and the bad. I anticipated this last week would be hard and have tried to prepare myself for the battle. I would appreciate your prayers as my departure approaches.